Everything Considered – The Dating Game – Part 2

Do you know people who are never happy? They complain about everything, even to the point that if they won the lottery, they’d cry about paying the taxes. So, what does this have to do with dating? Well, some people behave this way in their relationships too. Nothing is ever good enough, and they are always looking for the exit.  I call it Relational A.D.D.

The truth of the matter is that some folks are just in love with being in love.  And even more unfortunate, is that this phrase means something totally different for men and women.

For women, it’s that sense of endless possibilities or having finally come to the end of a long journey. However, after having reached the mountain top, these women can’t help but notice the other peaks around them, and deeply believe that somehow the view must be better atop them. And why is this? It is my earnest belief that their behavior is a result of their belief that someone else is responsible for their happiness, besides themselves. And from where does this thought process originate? Gosh, in western culture perhaps a better question is where is this message not conveyed?  From Cinderella to The Notebook, from cradle to grave, western women have been sold on finding a man to make them happy. When in truth, you can only be happy with any particular man only to the degree with which you are happy with yourself.   Happiness, for broken people is always fleeting. Work on you first.

But for these men, it’s a case of being in love with new loving.  This is a battle every man faces, but it is one that he must win, if he wants to maintain his situation and not have his resources, literally spread out all over town. For the sake of this conversation, let’s exclude faithful men and free agents (“hook ups only, please.”) and focus on guys who go from dating relationship to another, serial monogamist, if you will (although, technically, often they move on to the next relationship, without informing the current partner first). These men are afflicted with an internal conflict between the norms of society and their own desires. Whereas faithful men and free agents know who they are, Relational A.D.D. men are caught up in a cycle of behavior they cannot explain and can only, at best rationalize. They will cast dispersions upon their current lady, in order to justify why they feel the need to move on, when in truth it is physiological response to a stimuli they’ve “chosen” not to deny.  And ironically, the perceived shortage of eligible men and the resulting raised competition between women only increases Relational A.D.D. in men. Sadly, the only cure for these men seems to be negative reinforcement. Meaning, that until they have real regret, they’ll not change, and Ms. New Loving always makes it easier to forget…at least for a little while.

Also, be sure to check out The Dating Game Part 1

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to purchase the book To Wrestle With Darkness on sale now for $2.99 or buy it directly from Amazon here: Purchase directly from Amazon

The Relationship Ten Commandments for Women

PSA: Print and post this in your car on the back side of your sun visor.

 

1) How he treats others is how he will someday treat you.

2) The secret lies not in what you attract, but rather in what you let in.

3) Just because he likes you, doesn’t mean he’s trying to get with you

    and just because he’s trying to get with you, doesn’t mean he likes you. Sorry. 

4) Better to entertain the doubts of a wise friend, than the certainty of a fool. Listen now, or cry later.

5) Given enough time, every player will eventually play himself. It’s like a cosmic law or something.

6) A man who can be bought is not worth a dime, but a man who can’t, is priceless.

7) You can’t change a man. What don’t you understand about that?

8) Respect his mama, no matter how you feel.

9) If he won’t work hard for himself, why would he do so for you? Seriously, why?

10) You get what you advertise for.

In summation: The best man is the one that puts God first, you second and himself last. Most will see this statement as preachy, but some will understand the importance of having an internal compass rather than an external one.

Please visit: www.towrestlewithdarkness.com

to purchase the book To Wrestle With Darkness on sale now for $2.99, and to see other works by the author, Alan Jones.

Everything Considered: The Dating Game – Part 1

Here is the ugly truth of the matter; most of what you read about finding a mate is largely crap that some writer slung against the wall, hoping something sticks.  And while many of their suggestions are helpful, they often ignore the elephant in the room.  Equating finding a mate to balancing a budget, these actions are like deciding you’re going to cut Starbucks out of your diet.  Sure, that will save you at least $60 a month and taking your lunch could save you another $120 to $150 a month, but the elephant in the room is that convertible you got sitting in the garage and the five bedroom house you bought (and you’re single).  But if you start with the big stuff, you’ll reach your goal much faster.

So, what is the real root of the problem? It is our inability to pick quality mates.  Sure, “some” people change, and sometimes, “stuff” does happen. But by and large, said person was “trifiling” when you met them.   No?  Ask yourself the following.

Do they go out of their way to help others, not just their kin folks?

Do they flip other people off in traffic when they feel they’ve been done wrong?

Do they always seem to have problems with people?

Are they good stewards of what they have already?

Do the litter?

I firmly believe that little things, like this, will tell a whole lot about a person. And why is this important in the dating game? Because half of the problem in the dating game isn’t finding the right person, rather it’s investing your time and energy in the wrong person. If you invest your resources only in people who understand love, real love, the kind of love that pays you back better than you deserve, then you will never waste another moment in your life in the dating game.

Now, having said this, I must caution that having a quality mate does not mean that your relationship will be problem free, but as Bob Marley intimated, you want to be with someone who is worth suffering for. You want someone, who, without a second thought, will do the same for you.

Please visit: www.towrestlewithdarkness.com

to purchase the book To Wrestle With Darkness on sale now for $2.99 or buy it directly from Amazon here: Purchase directly from Amazon

Those Who Get It

Have you ever noticed how some people just seem to get it? Be it on the job or in their personal lives, they just seem to have it all figured out.

Being an observer of people, I have found that people fall into one of four categories in their professional and personal lives (of course, there are people whose success and personal behavior defy description).

As professionals you have:
1) Those who get it,
2) Those that don’t
3) Those that don’t want to hear it
4) Those who won’t.

1) the 1’s get it. They understand what it takes to be successfully and are willing to do it. They understand the sacrifice and appreciate those around them who understand too.

2) The 2’s, those that don’t get it, bounce from job to job and are either asked to leave or leave on their own because they aren’t being promoted fast enough. They have bought the hype, and always assume that they’ll be a top 5% earner in their chosen profession. They don’t really understand sacrifice or the level of effort it really takes to successful.

3) The 3’s, those who don’t want to hear it, understand in their heart what it takes to be successful, but are in denial about it. They understand cost to be a 1, but many of them are often seduced by short cuts and get rich quick schemes. The collective energy they’ve put into pursuing these pots of gold, could build the dreams they pursue if they just had the focus. They burn through most of their 20’s in this state, but they eventually figure it out, and at such an age do develop an appreciation for the 1’s who have already. This group contains many who might be called “Twixters”. In today’s dating generation, this is the largest of the 3 groups. They may be just as smart as 1’s, they just don’t “get it”, until they’ve run in circles for a while.

4) The 4’s, won’t play by the rules. If they don’t have an illegal hustle, it’s because they really don’t think the risk is worth the reward. 4’s aren’t stupid, they count the cost, and realize, in their own minds, that they just really don’t want to work that hard. They have sense enough not to chase their own tail, but watch yours around them, for if they can come up quick and get away with, they will.

In relationships you also have:
A) Those who get it,
B) Those that don’t
C) Those that don’t want to hear it
D) Those who won’t.

A) Those that get it: These are the people who, since the age of 16 have never had an issue getting or holding on to a mate. And if they should somehow find themselves single again, there’s a line of folks ready to get with them. It has little to do with looks or money, although neither hurts. But these folks know how to take care of a mate and how to show love. There is a light inside of them, that other folks who get it, see as well. Those who “get it” in their personal lives tend to pare off. But folks who get tend to recognize quickly when things are not going to work out. Those who get it make great same sex friends, in that they are the last of the four types to ever try to poach your mate, for they understand, and honor love above sex and money. Professionally, these people are often 1’s. Even if they aren’t high earners or near the top of their field they understand what it takes and sincerely appreciate it in other. A’s have a gift for being real, but they are equally as gifted in seeing the qualities that they want in others. They know emotional talent when they see it.

B) Those that don’t get it: In relationships B’s are befuddled as to why all their relationships end poorly. They may be 1’s professionally, but run off every potential mate, by lack of attentiveness, or if a 2 or 3 professionally, they may lean towards making themselves too available. B’s, and particularly women, want the fairly tale relationship they dreamed about growing up. B’s, who are largely women, are generally more honest than C’s or D’s, but they can become desperate, and that might not be a good look around your man. B’s and C’s both project, but B’s tend to really over inflate a relationship, but on the other hand they are some of the sweetest people in the world, they just don’t get this thing we call reality.

C) Those that don’t want to hear it: They say they’re looking for a 50/50 love, but what they really mean,is that any relationship needs to start at least 50/50 and lean their way from there. They refuse to accept that they might have to give more than they get. They are in denial about how real relationships work, and if they are giving more than 50%, they are ashame of it. The A’s understand, that as long as you get what you need, what does it matter? The B’s don’t really understand the concept of working on a realtionship. There are just as many men in this group as there are women. And professionally, these folks tend to be 2’s and 3’s. But like in their professional lives, they are often either looking an available upgrade or weighing thepossibility of taking a short cut to what they want. They know where the line is, and don’t typically cross it, but if you are having issues with your S/O, they might begin to rationalize investigating futher. So, you want to watch your mate around them, in those cases. C’s aren’t likely as B’s to go Fatal Attraction on you, reality does typically win the day with them. But unlike A’s, C’s often have to figure it out the hard way. As they mature, C’s can grow into A’s, but they must always be on guard not to back slide to their old trifling ways. B’s and C’s both often suffer from poor mate selection. Women of both groups tend to project onto a man how they would like him to be, rather than who he is, C’s just happen to eventually figure out what the deal is.

D) Those who won’t: These are the people who don’t play by the rules and it bugs the heck out of A’s, B’s and C’s. Each has his or her own rules. They ain’t gotta take your man, and often times don’t want to. They just want what they want. And men of this ilk, often actually prefer married women, so they don’t have to commit. Both D men and women, will say whatever their potential lover needs to hear. They really believe all’s fair in love and war. The ironic thing is that D’s are just as adept at spotting talent as A’s. They are very efficient with their time, and don’t waste it with those who can’t or won’t provide their needs. D’s are almost always 1’s or 4’s professionally. But if they happen to be a 4, when and if they decide to settle down they often find someone to take care of them financially. Social norms just seem to be a big waste of time to them. Although, all D’s are certainly not sociopaths, certainly all sociopaths are D’s.

Some parings within an individual are more likely than others, such as some being a 1A or 1D, with 1B’s being less likely.

So, who are you? Or better yet, who is the one you’re with?

Disclaimer: Again, I say that not every person falls in one of these catagories, but just as in other parts of life, you can only prepare so much for random events, or people for that matter.